Picture Perfect/Transcript
Brent Leroy: Whoa! That is perfect! That is the exact yellow I want to paint my Cutlass. It's not canary, it's not lemon, it's like a dusty mustard, or heat, like a Dijon canola. Is that a colour? Yellow Car Driver: Don't know. Brent: Anyway, mind if I grab a quick picture? Yellow Car Driver: Is that Polaroid camera? Brent: This? I wish. No, it's a Snapmaster, kind of knock-off. Got it for my 13th birthday. Yellow Car Driver: Do you ever think of upgrading? Brent: How do you mean? Yellow Car Driver: Getting a more modern camera, maybe digital. Brent: I don't know. This takes pictures, it takes good pictures. I'm not a slave to some consumer treadmill. Yellow Car Driver: Do they even make film for that? Brent: No, a little bird carves a picture with his beak. Yellow Car Driver: I wouldn't be surprised. Brent: Yeah, well, at least I don't drive a stupid yellow car. Brent: That guy out there made fun of my camera. Wanda Dollard: So you stole his carburetor? Brent: This is my camera. Wanda: Oh. Of course it is. And she's a beauty. Brent: It works fine, takes pictures. That's what it's supposed to do, isn't it? Wanda: Exactly. And if it comes with a matching thermos, even better. Brent: Matching thermos. Nice. You got any more wisecracks? Wanda: Yeah. How much gunpowder do you put the flash tray? Brent: Hilarious. Any more? Wanda: If you took a picture of me right now, would I come out wearing a bonnet? Brent: Are you done? Wanda: If you point that thing at a... Brent: You're done. Oscar Leroy: That crazy old bird next door has trolls. Emma Leroy: What do you mean trolls? Oscar: There's trolls on her lawn. First is was that stupid flamingo and then the frog with the butterfly in his mouth. Emma: Oh, the lawn ornaments. I thought you meant she was possessed or something. Oscar: They're all over the place, swans and donkeys and castles and gnomes and now trolls. It's like a stupid circus. Emma: Gnomes and trolls, that would be a good circus. Oscar: Why can't we have normal neighbours? Emma: Because you always frighten them away. Oscar: I gonna have to do somethin' about this. Emma: Promise me it'll be something stupid. Hank Yarbo: Hey, you're from Toronto. Lacey Burrows: That's right. Could you do me a favour and mention that every time you see me? Hank: Answer me this. How can Toronto be the capital of Canada when it's way out east? Shouldn't the capital of Canada be in the middle of Canada, like Winnipeg, or, uh, well, one of those ones? Lacey: Answer me this, how can you live in this country and not know that Ottawa is the capital of Canada? Hank: A lot of people don't know that. Did you know that? Ralph Goodale: Oh, yeah, I know that. Hank: Yeah, me too. I just forgot. And I don't focus on a lotta city stuff. Lacey: Hank, you can't just walk around being ignorant to half the country. Hank: What's the best herbicide to protect a field of barley? Lacey: I don't know. Off? Hank: See? Half the country's plenty. Karen Pelly: So where you gonna go on your holidays? Davis Quinton: Las Vegas. Karen: Ah, Sin City. Davis: What? Karen: It's called Sin City. Davis: Oh, yeah. Do some gamblin', maybe see some shows. Karen: What are you gonna play? Davis: Cards, I guess. Then see Blue Man Group or Barry Manilow. Karen: What about the slots or roulette? Davis: Or Cirque du Soleil. And of course you have to see Celine. Okay, I'm going just to see shows. Karen: You don't know how to gamble, do you? Davis: Ah, I never learned. Karen: I'll tell you what, I'll teach you. Karen: Six is 11. Ten is 21. You learning? Davis: Oh, yeah. Hard to believe I never got into this. Hey, Paul. What ya doin'? Paul: Hookin' up the new trivia game. Davis: Trivia? Paul: Yeah, Trivia Zone. Questions come up, you compete against other people in other bars. Karen: Davis doesn't like games. Davis: I like trivia. Brent: Boy, my camera sure took an emotional beating today. Poor thing. Everybody's teasing it because it's not digital. Emma: You figure they're teasing the camera, not you? Brent: Tease me, tease my camera. We're a team. Emma: Well, you should get a new one, stay current, stay on top of the trends. That's how you stay in the now. Brent: In the now? We're eating tuna casserole. Emma: It's retro. Retro's trendy. Brent: Ah. Well, I'm not gettin' a new camera just for the sake of gettin' a new camera. This thing works fine. Nothing wrong with it. Oscar: Damn right. Glad to hear you talkin' some sense for once. Brent: Wow, I must be way off base on this. Hank: What time is it? Lacey: Here or in Toronto? Hank: Huh? Lacey: It's five to 2:00. Why, are you waitin' for somethin'? Hank: Paul said he'd have the trivia game hooked up by 2:00. Lacey: Oh, they're gonna have trivia at the bar? Hank: Yeah, Trivia Zone. Lacey: Wow. Well, I hope they don't ask any questions about capital cities. Hank: Why is that? Oh. Very hilarious. I hope they don't ask any questions about barley. Lacey: Oh, an afternoon of barley questions. Boy, am I missin' out. Hank: You don't have to miss out. We could be a team. Lacey: No. Hank: Yeah, sure. It's a, it's a natural. With your knowledge of city stuff and my knowledge of not city stuff, we know all stuff. Lacey: "We know all stuff." Wow, that does sound impressive. But, I'm just not really drawn to an afternoon of drinkin' beer and staring at a TV. Hank: They got prizes. Lacey: Like what? Hank: Beer and a TV. Lacey: Sometimes I feel like we don't connect. Hank: Well, there's other prizes. Like any team that answers ten questions in row gets a t-shirt that says "Perfect 10." Lacey: What colours? Emma: Where you going now? Oscar: Somebody's gotta keep an eye on that fruitcake next door. Emma: Why don't you go undercover and pretend to rake leaves? Oscar: Good thinking. Emma: And while you're pretending to rake the leaves, why don't you rake the leaves? Hank: Hah! Lacey: HALA? Our team name is HALA? Hank: Yeah. H-A from Hank and L-A from Lacey. It's pretty clever, huh? Lacey: Well, I think LAHA would sound better. Hank: No, too many H's. Oscar: Psheah! This ends now! Helen: What does, Oscar? Oscar: Oh! Brent: Say cheese. Oh, hang on a sec. Okay, say cheese. That's stupid. Okay, here we go. Say cheese. Did the flash go? Lacey: Yes. We're all seein' spots. Brent: I bought this digital camera, but I can't figure it out. I think it might be busted. Hank: Let me try. Brent: Yeah, well, I haven't read the manual all the way through yet. Lacey: You threw it away, didn't you? Brent: It was in French. Lacey: Well, I bet the other side was in English. Brent: Couldn't tell. It was upside down. Just play your trivia thing. Hank: Game's startin'. Stay frosty. Emma: You stole a gnome? I was just kidding when I said do something stupid. Oscar: I didn't steal it, I borrowed it. Neighbours borrow stuff from neighbours all the time. I was just being neighbourly. Pretend we're not home! I know you took my gnome. Helen: I know you took my gnome! You're not fooling anyone. Oscar: Get down! She'll hear you! Emma: Are you six yes old? I'm giving it back to her. Oscar: No, don't! Emma: Oh, hi, Helen. Helen: Never mind "Hi, Helen." You and your crazy husband stole one of my lawn ornaments. And if you two petty thieves don't give it back this second, I'm calling the police. Emma: Yeah? Well, we don't have your stupid elf. So get off my property, ya nutcase. Call me a thief! Wanda: Poker? This place gets more like a saloon every day. Karen: Ah, I'm just teaching Davis how to play. Wanda: He seems riveted. What's with these ones? Karen: I had to simulate a live casino environment. It's educational. Ooh, almost. So close. Ah, next time. Wanda: So what's that, tuition? Karen: Okay, Davis, this game is called Red Dog. Davis: Ah, yeah, Hedgehog. Gotcha. Ah, I bet a dollar. Wanda: Well, I see you're on the edge of a breakthrough. I'll leave you to it. Karen: If you're not gonna pay attention, I'm gonna put this gambling stuff away. Paul: Karen, put this gambling stuff away. Karen: No! Hank: This physician is best known for... Lacey: Physicist, not physician. Hank: It's not a spelling contest. Lacey: Oh, B! It's B! Pick B! Oh. I was gonna pick C. Hank: Like when you said C last time? Aaaeeeaaa! Oscar: You sure told that wing nut a thing or two. Emma: I don't appreciate being called a thief. Oscar: She called me a thief too. Emma: You area thief. If she just called you a thief, she and I'd be having tea. Oscar: I'm no more a thief than you are. We're in this together now. Emma: Whatever you say, Sundance. I didn't notice before. Oscar: What? Emma: This gnome looks like you. Oscar: What? It does not! Emma: It looks a lot like you. Oscar: It looks nothing like me. Emma: Don't get too close to it. I can't tell which one of you is talking. Wanda: You get a new camera? Why? The old one hurting your back? Brent: I'm just very in the now. Say cheese. Wanda: Cheese. Brent: What the...? Wanda: I think you shut it off. Brent: This thing is screwed. There's something wrong with it. Wanda: There is something wrong with it. It makes your head look huge. Oh, my mistake. Brent: Yeah? Two can play that game. Dammit! Hank: Hey, Wanda's here. We should get her on our team. She knows everything. Lacey: Nobody knows everything. Brent: So, what exactly is a megapixel? Wanda: It determines the resolution of the image. Karen: Wanda, what are the house odds in roulette? Wanda: Straight up pays out 35 to 1. But house odds increase with double-zero bets. Hank: What's the capital of Canada? Wanda: Ask a nine year old. Hank: See? Emma: Oscar, I was thinking. Maybe we should...wait. What the? Oh, I'm sorry, Oscar. I thought that was you. My mistake. Oscar: You're a riot. Maybe that thing can go to bed with you instead of me. Emma: Instead of it going to bed with you? Oscar: I mean, it can go to bed with ya instead of me going to bed with ya. Emma: So you're sleeping down here tonight? Oscar: You wish. I'm sleeping in our bed. That thing can sleep down here, I mean stay down here. Emma: Oh. Lacey: Welcome on board, Wanda. Welcome to Team HALA. Wanda: Thanks. Oh, and it's team WAHALA now. Right? Hank: Yeah. Lacey: WAHALA? I see. Well, there you go. WA comes before LA now? Hank: Look, if I could change things, I'd put LA before WA, even before HA. But I can't. We, as HA and LA, promised WA, and that was part of the deal. Lacey: Part? Wanda: On second thought, I will have the gravy. Hank: We're also buyin' her supper. Brent: Hey, I thought Paul didn't want you gambling in here. I guess you wouldn't want me to show him the evidence! There. A good, clear digital shot of you gambling. Ooh, excellent megapixel on that one. Karen: You don't even have the shutter open. Brent: There's a shutter? Gimme that! Should you and Davis both be in here at the same time? Is that the best way to keep the mean streets safe? Karen: It's Dog River. What are the odds of a crime going down? Brent: Yeah, I guess you're right. Karen: No, seriously, what are the odds? I'll give you 8 to 1. Lacey: The original title of this Beatles song was Scrambled Eggs. Hank: Satisfaction! That's not even...Wanda, do you know it? Wanda: That's an easy one. Lacey: Do you know it? Wanda: Everyone knows it. Hank: Do you know it? Wanda: Well, legend has it that Paul McCartney fell out of bed in the middle of the night. Now, interestingly, Paul McCartney's bedroom... Hank: And zero. Zero was our score on that one. Good work, WA. Wanda: It's done? Lacey: Yeah. Your stories, while fascinating and educational, aren't really helpful to the game, or fascinating. Hank: We need speed, A, B, C, bang, bang, bang! Wanda: Well, why didn't you say so? I'm sorry. I'll give the answer right away. Lacey: That'd be great. Wanda: I'll tell my fascinating stories after each question. Hank: Or save them all for the end, after I've gone home. Emma: Where did I put my sandwich? Oh, there it is. Oscar: That's your sandwich? Emma: Yeah, I put it there when I went to get my milk. You didn't think Gnome Oscar made himself a sandwich? Oscar: Don't be ridiculous. And don't call it Gnome Oscar. Emma: We have to avoid confusion. I will call you Flesh Oscar. Hank: Okay, here we go, eyes on the screen. Let's go. Lacey: And remember, quick is the key. Everyone, heh. Hank: This is regarded as the first language based on phonetics. Lacey: Wanda? Wanda: Well, it's kind of ambiguous. Lacey: Quick, quick, quick! Wanda: They're asking two questions at once. Hank: Bang, bang, bang! Wanda: Do they mean written or spoken? Phonetics is a written application of spoken sounds. Hank: I know that sound. Lacey: Well, that's great. Maybe I should just write "Perfect 10" on this shirt with magic marker. Hank: You're not gettin' your gravy. Hold the gravy! Wanda: You know, I'm starting to get the feeling that I'm not wanted. Wanda: And making me sit over here makes me feel even less wanted. Oh. And it's HALA again, is it? Real nice! Davis: Are you a free agent again? Wanda: Well, I'm on the market, but I wouldn't say I'm free. Davis: Fries and gravy over here! What's our team name gonna be? Wanda: We'll take some letters from the start of my name and the start of your name. Davis: Good idea. Hey! Wanda: WA for Wanda, DA for Davis. Davis: Yeah, but that looks like... Wanda: Walk it off, man. Trivia's on. Hank: WANDA? Has she gone solo? Lacey: She's sitting with Davis. Hank: Good luck, Davis. With her on your team, you might get an answer in by next harvest. Harvest is the time of year when the farmers bring in the crops. Lacey: Thanks for the heads up. Hank: Next question. In World War II... Lacey: Wanda got it? Hank: Now she answers fast? Emma: Don't be such a pouty baby. There's enough of me for both of you. Oscar: This thing's goin' back where I got it. Emma: But how do I know it's the real you that comes back? We need a secret signal. Brent: Have you guys seen a camera manual, half French, half upside down? Oscar: Your mother thinks this gnome looks like me. Brent: I don't think so. Oscar: See? Brent: I think you look like that gnome. Oscar: Stop being smart! Brent: Oh, cool trick, Dad. I didn't even see your lips move. Oscar: That's not me! I'm me! Brent: Okay, you're startin' to freak me out. Oscar: Aaah! Brent: Hey, where did you get the gnome? Emma: Which one? Wanda: And while tail gunners in bomber planes would often register more kills, they aren't technically fighter pilots. So, the answer is B. Davis: Good. 'Cause that's what I picked. Wanda: Before all my facts? Davis: I'm a cop. I go with my gut. Wanda: You can't go with your gut every time. Davis: Hey, hey, hey! Right again. Wanda: Geez, your gut's on a roll. Crowd: WAN-DA, WAN-DA, WAN-DA, WAN-DA, WAN-DA, WAN-DA... Davis: Wanda? No, no, that's WAN-DAY. You see, the DA is from Davis, as in Day-vis, Day and so it would be WAN-DAY, WAN-DAY... Crowd: WAN-DA, WAN-DA, WAN-DA, WAN-DA, WAN-DA, WAN-DA, WAN-DA, WAN-DA! Emma: Flesh Oscar, is that you? Oscar: Yeah, it's me. Well, us. Emma: Us? Oscar: Meet Gnome Oscar's lawn buddy. She was standin' right beside him. I call her Quiet Emma. Oh, no, wait. Perfect Emma. Emma: Oh, we won't be keeping that. Lacey: So are you looking forward to your trip to Vegas? Davis: Oh, yeah. It's gonna be good. In fact, you might say it's gonna be perfect. Lacey: I want that shirt. Davis: Sorry, Lacey. I guess you were on the wrong team. Lacey: Nice shirt, Wanda. Davis: It's WAN-DAY, WANDAY. WANDAY, all right, WANDAY! Brent: Say cheese! Hank: Aah! I see you're back to the Crapmaster. Brent: Snapmaster. Yeah, it's got a nice picture-taking feature I enjoy. Hank: You shoulda stuck with the digital. Instant pictures, no processing. Brent: This thing's been takin' instant pictures since 1973. Hank: Yeah. But with digital, you can send your pictures to someone, share 'em instantly, you know, for a laugh or two. Brent: Hey, Wanda. Wanda: Yeah? Brent: Heads up. Hank: Well, that's that, then. Wait, I thought you sold that thing. Brent: I did. I just had to buy it back. Hank: Oh. Who did you sell it to, anyway? Karen: Are these Polaroid pictures? Helen: No. It's just some cheap knock-off. But pictures don't lie. That's trespassing. Karen: Well, what do you know. It looks like there was a crime yesterday. Helen: And I brought more evidence. Karen: Creepy. Category:Transcripts